Dealing with a mother-in-law…?
Obviously, the dynamics in such a situation are frustrating. Some mothers-in-law do these things because no one else in the family has given them boundaries. Therefore, she becomes an overbearing “bully.” Perhaps she does not even realize how intrusive and controlling she is. To her it may just be “loving.” If that is the case, perhaps a heart to heart talk will clear the air. If she does understand what she is doing and does it on purpose even after she has been asked to stop, then there is nothing that you are going to be able to do to alter that. At any rate, it is not your place to stop your mother-in-law from her interfering; it is your spouse’s.
Regardless of which side of the family the interference comes from, it is an assault upon the sanctity of the marriage and violates the “leave and cleave” of God’s order for marriage (Genesis 2:23-24). A man and woman leave their birth families and begin a new family, and they are to love and protect each other. A husband who allows his mother to interfere with his marriage is not living up to the commandment given to husbands in Ephesians 5:25-33. The same can be said if it is the wife’s mother that is interfering. Boundaries need to be set and then held regardless of the “feelings” of one’s family. The reality is that people treat us the way we allow them to treat us. If we permit them to trample the sanctity of our family, then that is what they will do. No one, not even our extended family, has the right to invade the privacy of our home. So if your mother-in-law is interfering in your lives, your spouse is allowing it.
What can we do personally about a woman who acts in the way a meddling mother-in-law does? We can make a choice not to allow her to take away our peace of mind. We may not be able to change the way others behave, but how we respond to their behavior is our choice. We can allow the actions of other people to get to us, or we can choose to give it over to God and allow Him to use this to strengthen us spiritually. If our own response to this type of situation that fuels our frustration. Only we can stop wearing ourselves out emotionally by allowing a interfering mother-in-law’s actions to be the arbiter of our own peace. Her behavior is not our responsibility, our response is.
Your mother-in-law is going to continue to be the way she is until she makes a choice to stop, or her family makes it so uncomfortable for her that she must stop, or God stops her. I can understand that right now you are probably angry, frustrated and at the end of your emotional rope. However, this is not a problem that an outsider can solve for you. If this woman habitually behaves in this way, your spouse and family have facilitated this woman’s behavior by tolerating it.
You can be gracious to her, but you do not have to facilitate her. Treat her with respect and love, but do not allow your emotions to entangle you in frustration at what you see as her obnoxious behavior. The best way to disengage an enemy is to make them an ally. Do not respond in kind, but with a kind response. You may disarm her, or at the very least make her wonder what you are up to. The only thing you are responsible for is your own heart and your own motives.
You can continue to allow this woman to have power over you or you can choose to give her what she has not given you. What is that? Grace! You can give her the grace of forgiveness (Ephesians 4:32). It may not stop her interfering, but it will be a source of strength and peace for you to stand in (Ephesians 6:11-17). The only place to find true peace of heart is in a personal relationship with God through Christ. I pray you will deal with your own heart need and concentrate upon responding by resting in His peace.
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Dear friend,
The Lord Jesus Christ teaches the life principle in the Old as well as the New Testament that we should honor our fathers and mothers which is the first commandment with a promise, i.e., that our days may be long upon the land which our God gives us. This means that while we are still under their responsibility and care as parents, (that is before we get married) we should honor our parents. John Gill’s Exposition of the Holy Bible has this to say, “This explains who parents are, and points at some branches of obedience due unto them; for they are not only to be loved, and to be feared, and reverenced, their corrections to be submitted to, offences against them to be acknowledged, their tempers to be bore with, and their infirmities covered; but they are to be honoured in thought, word, and gesture; they are to be highly thought of and esteemed; they are to be spoken to, and of, very honourably, and with great veneration and to be behaved to in a very respectful manner; and they are to be relieved, assisted, and maintained in comfortable way when aged, and in necessitous circumstances; and which may be chiefly designed.” Based on the foregoing, eloping is not an option because that would be defiance on your part against your parents. Therefore, your Mom’s suggestions/advices, or what you may think as interferences on her part to your wedding plans, should be rationally discussed with her. You have not mentioned what are these, so I cannot go farther than this advice.
But then, after you have been married, you and your wife/husband have to be physically separated from your respective parents and live your own lives together as husband and wife. It does not mean, however, that you can stop respecting your parents but it means that you are now completely free to be responsible for your decisions and actions as husband and wife.
May the Lord bless you as you embark on another milestone of your life.
Bro. Mar
Currently my fiancee and I are planning our wedding. Since we are not already married I am not sure what to do with my mother who is very controlling. Since we are not married we do not fall into the “leave and cleave” catagory but it is the the begining of our life together I feel I should take a stand and make boundries for the future. Do you think it is right for me to start standing up to my mother before I am actually married but preparing for the future?
All my life she has been controlling and nothing has changed with wedding. My fiancee and tired and would like to say something to my mom, but I know that it is my responsibility. My mother has gotten so involved in the wedding and been meddling/controlling so much that are seriously considering canceling the wedding and eloping. I would appreciate any advise you might have, as I would like my mom to be in my life once I am married but I am very unsure of how to handle the situation with and when I should work on boundaries. Thank you.
Cynthia,Your mother-in-law will not abide by what “you” ask of her, in fact she will find a way to use it against you. Her “son, your husband” is the one who needs to tell her to stop. When you are “with him”, he needs to tell her that he loves her, but that you are his wife, and the number one woman in his life and there will be no competition. He should add that if she continues her antics, she will be responsible for the results, which will be having less contact with her. If she still continues, there may have to be a break. The Bible says to honor your parents, but it does not say to keep yourself in their life when they are causing problems in your marriage! p.s. Your husband needs to sound firm when telling her and make it clear he is speaking from “his” heart, not for you. He should also not visit her alone for a while until it is obvious that her behavior has changed. He needs your presence at his side for support when dealing with and talking to his mother. After all, she knows him very well and may use “alone time” to try to make him feel guilty.
I speak from experience. Good Luck. Debbie
My mother in law trys to compete with me with her son, my husb. She always trys to kiss him on the lips at the end of our visit, and when my husb. turns his head for her to kiss on his cheek, she grabs him around the head with force to kiss him on the lips. Also, in the past ,of my husband’s two previous marriages ,his mother was always able to rub his back all the time. His past wives were not affectionate and hardly ever touched him. Several years later he became a born again christian and since than we both were brought together by God and live a true christian marriage. My husband has told his mom to stop these things because he now has a wife that touches him and loves him the way God intended. He even told his mother it makes him feel incomfortable when she tries to kiss him on the lips or sits down next to him and rubs his back . She has brought pictures out of his past wives and showed me with out any shame. We both have told her that we share a christian marriage and see things differently now. But she still trys to demand her way. What should we do? I have written my mother in-law a nasty letter telling her to butt out and to stop it, because he is my husband! Out of answers….